I actually really, really don’t like it! The funny thing is that you’ll almost never see me writing or saying this but it’s true. My relationship with failure is not an empowering one. I’m sitting here writing this and I am avoiding writing my English homework. I have neglected my class quite a bit this time around, because my school is not quite a priority for me at this point… I’ve been training hard and my coaching business have both taken priority, right after my family and work of course. Yet, you’ll always read on my blog about how success is a product of failure, yes I know that it is and yet I’m confronted with the truth, that I don’t have an empowering relationship to it.
In regards to my training, I have exactly 8 more weeks to train/eat and prepare and now fear has started to set in… what if I’m not prepared? What if my physique has not changed as much to the point that I’ll be able to stand up on that stage and be proud for my accomplishment and actually FEEL like I belong there? Oh boy! I suggested to Joseph that maybe I should wait an extra month to prepare and got a redundant NO. He’s been generous enough to sacrifice our quality time for my training and I just can’t put the training above my marriage, there is just no way I could ever do that to him, or to us. So waiting another month just because I’m being overcome with fear is just not an option for me at this point.
I had contacted my trainer about my fears a couple of weeks ago, she said “it looks like you’re on track,” followed by some tips which I’ve been following so I just need to really stick to what I’ve been doing without excuses, continue to train hard, eat clean and keep my word about having cheat meals only one time per week. Doable, yes, I have mastered this already. I turn down cupcakes, brownies and even my weakness… frozen yogurt. The nice thing about it is that i can STILL have a Shakeology which just rocks.
I know that I may never conquer my fear of failure… but I also know that the only thing for me to do is be courageous, which only means (as I mentioned in an earlier post) that a courageous person is not someone who is fearless, but someone who in spite of his or her fear, takes action. So here I am, I know what there is to do: tackle that English homework and do my very, very best; eat clean and do my very, very best and train my very best. When I can be honest with myself about putting my 110% in whatever it is that I’m doing, I will see the results I want. That’s all there is to it, that’s all I have to do. It’s not like I’m skydiving (been there, done that). I’m not risking my life, it’s just risking looking bad… funny how that scares me more than jumping out a plane attached to another human being with a parachute on. Ha! Quite hilarious to be honest!
And while writing this, I realized that what REALLY scares me, is not failure itself but looking bad. Now on to tackle the homework and not quitting which will give me access to succeeding.